it just keeps getting more and more baffling. I think I need to get out of the house(s).

It's hard to believe he died six years ago! I still love the music so very much.

I feel like I never have anything worthwhile to write anymore. This bothers me.

didn't sleep well. did I dream yesterday?

I had an okay day, except for when Mallory jumped on me when we were at the Easy Chair. And I do mean jumped. I was crouched on the floor trying to explain how to organize shelves and she actually jumped on my back. It was so weird.

And my phone is on its way out. Not that it matters or that I spend that much time actually talking on it but it was a big security blanket for me. Plus a clock, since I seem to have lost my watch.

And mom has a pelvic ultrasound tommorrow, which upsets me. Well, not the ultrasound part, I just hope it turns out fine and I won't relax until it does. Oh and there's that cockhole buddy of mine who leaves the country in a matter of hours. He swears it'll be about the same b/c he'll get internet access over there but I doubt it.

edit: so I was just crying about both of those things and Sherri came and knocked on the door and asked if I wanted to meet Ryan and talk to Kelly, and I went out and since nobody asked me why my eyes were all puffy everything was fine. haha. I think I'll get used to these people eventually.

I appreciate the encouragement though, I really do. :)

Used to worry for each other
No one's bothered like before
We sleep with each others friends
Sneak around, fall apart, and come back for more
We sit around drinking tables
Stabilized and keeping score
But my mind is somewhere out the door

Oh we have grown
Maybe I've overstayed awhile
In my time in exile and
Oh time has flown
And the only thing I've learned
I want a life now of my own

We go to clubs
The songs are old
The evening's blown
Go our ways
And take taxis home
Talk of Sunday outings
And medicate to fight the doubting
But know we'll always be alone

We have grown
I've overstayed awhile
In my time in exile and
Oh time has flown
And the only thing I've learned
I want a life now of my own
Of my own

That's my year spent in exile
Second guessed and dressed up in tatters
My both feet didn't take this path
And I'm still looking for a life that matters
More than chit-chat
We listen to The Streets
We're all deadbeats
And these old habits are starting to show through
Sorry I didn't get to know you

Oh time has flown
I've overstayed awhile
In my time in exile and
Oh we have grown
The one thing that I've learned
I want a life now on my own

Bye bye to the friends I've known
In my time in exile

So apparently Zack Galifianakis is from North Carolina! I did not realize that. But the accent is dead on. I almost peed my pants watching this.

almost beach time.

Sadly, I kind of want to run away from my family. This is the same feeling I get every year, the feeling that it won't be much of a "vacation", just the same shit in a different place. But then I see the ocean and I calm down. Usually.

So I'm thinking that this is mainly hormones talking. Like, yesterday I watched the Michael Jackson memorial and teared up multiple times, and then I was like I HATE CRYING. WHO AM I AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????? Plus my stomach feels like it is going to pop at any moment.

I sometimes wonder what life would be like if I was a dude. I certainly don't think I'd make a very good looking one--but if it meant I wasn't randomly crying and bloated all the time maybe I wouldn't care.

We used to leave the blue lights on and there was a beat
Ever since you have been gone it's all caffeine-free
Faux punk fatigues
Said it all before
They try to kick it, their feet fall asleep
Get no harm done no
None of them want to fight me

Combat baby come back baby
Fight off the lethargy
Don't go quietly
Combat baby
Said you would never give up easy
Combat baby come back

Get back in town I wanna paint it black
Wanna get around
Easy living crowd so flat
Said it all before
They try to kick it, their feet fall asleep
I want to be wrong but
No one here wants to fight me like you do

Combat baby come back baby
Fight off the lethargy
Don't go quietly
Combat baby
Said you would never give up easy
Combat baby come back

I try to be so nice
Compromise
Who gets it good?
Every mighty mild seventies child
Every mighty mild seventies child
Beats me

Do doo doo doo

Combat baby come back baby
Combat baby come back
Bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye baby
Combat baby come back

How I miss your ranting
Do you miss my all time lows?

The little anxious kid who I met last week now greets me whenever we see eachother around, but it is always prefaced by profanity. The tone isn't malicious, it's as though he's been thinking of something else negative and then sees me and snaps out of it. So I look up and see him and it's "SHIT. hello." or "GODDAMMIT. hey." "FUCK THIS...oh hi"

I think this is how I'm going to start talking to people from now on. At least internally. haha.